“Your Name is Kathy, I call you Kate.”

At times things seemed a little off, we would say. We would write it off to his lack of sleep, his age, or maybe he forgot to take his anxiety medicine. Not really knowing what a hallucination was, I would just think that he had a bad dream when he would talk about the family members that he would see in his apartment. He had struggled with an anxiety disorder for many years. We never dreamed that what he was now dealing with was dementia. In all honesty, I didn’t even know much about this horrible disease.

It did not run in our family. We were blessed to have my grandparents till they were 90 and 95 years old with little ill health effects. We would casually say his forgetfulness was dementia. I think in our limited understanding we thought it just meant he was forgetful. Which is normal with old age, right? He was 80. I knew dad forgot things and tended to get lost often. In our family that is not uncommon. We are not the best at finding our way to new places. GPS is a great tool for many of us!

One of the things that we noticed was how he was not understanding how to use his flip phone anymore. We had to replace his phone twice because the port would not take a charge. I went with him to Verizon to replace it and to put myself on his account. I did that so I could help him with it should we have any problems in the future. We noticed this time, as the time before, that it looked as if he had either been using a wrong charger or using something else to force it to connect. Another thing I started noticing was he would call and sing happy birthday to me repeatedly, months before my actual birthday.

He had a vehicle accident in September of 2021. Looking back now, I wonder if that was a turning point for this unforeseen dementia. He had been struggling some before this, but we just didn’t see it as a huge deal. He lived in a Senior apartment complex and did janitorial duties for a few years there. He was praised for the great job that he did. He had finally decided to completely retire. He only worked 2 hours a day, but it was just getting to be too much for him. The residents began to get concerned about him as they could see changes in his personality.

He came to our house often for dinner and a game of dominoes (Our family has always loved playing games. Dominoes and Rook being our favorites). I also went with him to help with bill paying and groceries. Dad was lonely. I know he missed my mom who we had lost 13 years earlier and he also missed his mom terribly. He was very close to his sister and talked with her each night. They shared a song each evening along with another sister who lived there. We all noticed some subtle changes, but one weekend we knew there was no putting it off anymore. I realized something was wrong and we needed to get dad some help.

On Sunday April 10,2022 we were heading home from visiting with family in Oklahoma. Before we left the Friday before, dad was again struggling with his phone. I thought that he would be alright until we returned in 2 days. He had a little charge remaining on it. Saturday when he called everything seemed to be alright. Sunday morning one of dad’s fellow residents, Steve, called to tell me dad’s phone had died. I thanked him and assured him that we were heading home and should be there in about 4 hours. Not more than 15 minutes had passed when Steve called back. He told me that dad thought that he had seen me and then I was not there. He was frantically looking for me. He said that he was going to call the police. I was able to convince dad that I was not there but that I would be soon. He seemed to be ok when we got back.

On Monday I called to check on him and all seemed fine. I worked that night and thought I would talk with him again the next day and he would be ok. Again, I was just writing it off to something like lack of sleep. That evening I received a call from his manager who was concerned about him. She said that dad had told her and some of the residents that he had seen 3 masked men in his room; he wanted them to come and see them. He was frightened. He had a regular scheduled doctor’s appointment for that Thursday, but I knew he couldn’t wait that long to see a doctor. My first thought was it must be a UTI. The next morning, we went to our local urgent care walk in clinic. She ruled out an infection and advised me to take him to ER. At the ER they ran a slew of tests, and all seemed good except for the atrophy (loss of brain cells) they saw in the CT scan. We kept his regular doctor’s appointment that Thursday. The doctor didn’t seem too concerned. So, I just thought maybe I needed to keep a closer eye on dad.

I started trying to help him with his medicine. He could not remember when or if he had taken it. I bought a pill sorter but that was confusing to him, so I began to take him his medicine each morning and evening marked in zip lock bags with written instructions. This seemed to work ok for a short time. His doctor had given him some medicine for hallucinations and memory. They were causing him to be overly medicated. I knew we needed more help, but I did not know what to do. I thought if we could just see a Neurologist maybe he could answer some of our questions. That was not going to happen very quickly.

I began to pray, “Lord, what do I do”? A couple of friends had mentioned possibly taking him to the hospital. As I was praying, I thought about what they had said and felt this is what we needed to do. I had peace that the Lord was leading me in this direction. I worked at our local hospital as a Chaplin and knew that if we didn’t get there early, we could be waiting hours in ER. Also, I knew dad would be opposed to going, but he surprised me and said that he would go.

I went to his apartment after work that evening and had him stay the night with us. This way we could go first thing in the morning. At this time, he was having delusions along with hallucinations. He told me that someone had stolen his last Pepsi. He thought that my aunt and uncle had put a bunch of clothes in his closet, and he was certain that someone might steal a Folgers coffee can that he had collected coins in.

As we were heading out the door, he wanted to take the coffee can with us. I told him that his apartment would be locked, and no one would bother with it. He wasn’t convinced and quickly stashed the can in a cupboard as we walked out. Later that night he looked at me and said, “That’s my can”. I assured him that it was his can, and it would be alright. The hospital kept him a few nights to observe him and diagnosed him with Major neurocognitive disorder (a fancy word for dementia). They said he could not be left alone but must have 24-hour care. As we brought him home, my husband and I tried to care for him. Dad was up and down through the night. He would wake up with what seemed to be night terrors and would wake us wandering through the house. We took shifts sitting up with him. We were exhausted and knew that we would not be able to care for him constantly. Again, prayerfully we asked our Lord for direction. I reached out to friends and with their help I found a place that was local (in our town) and affordable. Surprisingly, the morning that we were going to talk with dad about it, he brought it up. They had a memory unit and were all very kind. Dad didn’t want to stay but he acclimated eventually.

I went to visit him every day for quite a while, and then I went multiple times a week to see him and bring him home. Some days were more confusing for him than others. He would say that I was his wife. When I asked him my name, he would always get it right. He would say, “Your name is Kathy, but I call you Kate”. Kate is one of the many nick names he had for me. Even in the end he knew my name. He would say that often when he came to the house, he didn’t realize who I was until I was taking him home. He would often think he was in California (Our home state. We live in Missouri) or that he had seen and talked with his brother from California.

I have 3 siblings whom I am so thankful for: for their love and support. My brother, Joe, was able to visit with dad and have time with him last summer. We took dad to Burger King (one of his favorites. He always ordered a number 1 meal). We also had a meal at home, looked at pictures, reminisced and had a good visit. My sisters Lanora and Lorrie were also able to tell dad they loved him one last time. My children and their children also got to love pampa. I’m thankful for each memory and will cherish them for a lifetime.

Dad served in the Navy and memories of that time were prevalent in our conversations. He would talk about being on the ship and wept one time when he thought someone had saluted him. (It was 2 nurses from his facility crossing the street as we were leaving his facility one day). Dad was a musician for most of his life. Playing guitar and singing came naturally to him. It was his passion and heart’s desire to sing and entertain. It brought him joy when he thought he could encourage or help someone else. I worked for a few years as an Activities Director in assisted living. Dad would come and play for the residents and call bingo for me. He brought joy to them, and they did the same for him. When dad could no longer fluently play a guitar or easily play a game of dominoes it was definitely an eye opener.

His days at the facility were both good and bad. It was not a perfect place, but they were good to him. I knew that he was being fed, cared for when I couldn’t be there, and safe. He was there just over a year when he fell into a coma like state and had to go back to the hospital. He was there a week and then 2 more weeks in hospice. I was blessed to sit with him, and sing, read Scripture and pray for him. He would reach for me to hold his hand. He came out of the coma like state for just a couple of days and smiled, sang, told me he loved me and then slipped back into a non-responsive state. He never came back after that. He stepped from this life into the presence of Jesus on May 14, 2023. Mother’s Day. He is with our Lord Jesus, my mom and his mom and dad who he missed so much. No more confusion or fear. No more pain. His faith took sight, singing and praising our Lord with the angels. I’m so thankful for my husband who preached his homegoing service and my daughter who sang “How great Thou art”. Her grandpa would have been so proud!

I admit I was daddy’s girl, and this loss has been very difficult. He was a man who loved deeply. He loved Jesus with all his heart. He loved his family so much and we loved him! I’m so very thankful that he never forgot me and loved me. My name is Kathy but my daddy called me Kate!